What were they thinking?

Pic: Eros Entertainment; Source: planetbollywood.com

Montage of Hollywood stars on the red-carpet (courtesy the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards), second grade stunts, Brandon Routh as ‘Mr. Brandon’, Akshay Kumar as a star stuntman, Vindu Dara Singh as a sidekick, dumb chicks dying to sleep with Akshay, Aftab Shivdasani and Amrita Arora at the altar, Kareena Kapoor in a micro-mini, forced kiss, wedding reception, Viagra joke, bad song (actually a very bad song), silly fight (actually it was beyond silly), cake on the bride’s face, fart on the bride’s face… OK! These were not random words but the exact screenplay replication of Kambakkht Ishq’s first fifteen minutes.

Let me tell you the rest of the story in fast forward (those who still want to watch the film please do not read beyond this point). Stuntman, Viraj (Akshay) hates the supermodel-surgeon, Bebo aka Sim (Kareena) (yes! I am not lying about the profession); supermodel-surgeon hates the stuntman; negligent supermodel-surgeon operates the stuntman and leaves her silly watch inside his intestines; silly watch alarm makes noise inside the stuntman’s tummy, please note the alarm tune here, ‘Mangalam, Mangalam’ (wedding mantras); supermodel-surgeon seduces the stuntman; supermodel-surgeon operates the stuntman to recover the watch; supermodel-surgeon dumps the stuntman; stuntman decides to marry Hollywood starlet, Denise Richards; supermodel-surgeon sings a sad song, reaches the wedding to profess her love; stuntman dumps the Hollywood starlet; supermodel-surgeon and the stuntman get together.

If you think this is the worst written film review/article ever, you are right; I am supremely inspired by the film at the moment. My heart goes out to the producers of the film, Nadiadwala Grandson Entertainment, Sunil Lulla and the distributors, Eros Entertainment for the crores they will lose (but they claim to have got the biggest opening in the history of the Indian Box Office, so my sympathies with the audience only). Director, Sabbir Khan who also shares credit for the screenplay has done an extremely bad job by trouncing previous Akshay Kumar duds like Chandni Chowk To China and Tashan.

Performance wise both Akshay and Kareena did what they were asked to, mouth sexist dialogues and look glamorous. I understand that it was not a performance oriented film but it doesn’t even rise to the level of Singh is King (which by the way was quite enjoyable).  Good actors like Kirron Kher, Boman Irani and Javed Jaffrey were wasted with under-written characters. So called actors like Aftab Shivdasani and Amrita Arora hog too much screen space (I wonder why). Kehkashan Patel (I don’t blame you if you don’t remember her) and Vindu Dara Singh (Dara Singh’s son) were taken out from the deep freezer but were not allowed to thaw before being put in front of the camera (their frozen expressions said it all). Now for the much talked about Hollywood stars in the film, Sylvester ‘Rambo’ Stallone, Brandon ‘Superman’ Routh and Denise ‘Bond–girl’ Richards; they all had poor cameos and I sincerely hope they do not think that all Bollywood films are like this.

Technically too, I am not impressed with the film; the much talked about stunts are all stale, editing is patchy and the background music is mediocre (Salim Sulaiman). Anu Malik’s music is not memorable at all and the ‘Bebo’ song is simply unbelievable (what were they thinking?) Finally, about the much talked about styling in the film. Aki Narula does a good job of making Kareena look like a supermodel (cannot say the same about the surgeon part) in the shortest of dresses and the tallest of heels, all sourced from Italy apparently. Shabina Khan sourced the trendiest clothes and footwear for Akshay from the biggest brands worldwide but it all just doesn’t seem right. The actor seems a little too old for a skinny and printed pair of jeans with golden sneakers or just incorrect while sporting a white jacket shirt-less at a formal awards ceremony.

Overall, two thumbs down for Kambakkht Ishq!

My rating:  * One star (on five)

– Shrey Khetarpal