Celebrating the worst of Bollywood

Like every year, this year too I went into the theatre, weekend after weekend hoping to watch a good, enjoyable, Hindi film… Sadly, 2011 turned out to be amongst the worst years for Bollywood in the recent times. Not that the films didn’t make money, they did and in fact there were a record number of 100-crore earning blockbusters; but quality wise we got mediocrity at best. The high points of my movie watching experience were more to do with the food at the concession stand rather than spectacular cinema! Since I paid a lot to watch crappy cinema, let me get my money’s worth and celebrate the worst of Bollywood in 2011. Please note that I have not considered many films that no one cared to watch (except Anna Vetticad as part of her New Year resolution to watch all Hindi films in 2011) and may have missed out some delightful performances and gems there.

Zayed & Fardeen Honorary Award for Worst Performance (Male)

The nominees are:

• Bobby Deol for his elementary school student like act in Yamla Pagla Deewana
• John Abraham for his negligible acting in a blue negligee in 7 Khoon Maaf
• Hrithik Roshan for his overacting in the otherwise wonderful, Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara (check out the scene where he does a video conference with his Japanese client)
• Prateik in Aarakshan… he forgot that he was in a film and not in a road side nautanki; such indifference!

And the winners are Sanjay Dutt and Ajay Devgn for Rascals… Kaancha Cheena and Bajirao Singham are better roles for them… I don’t understand, why they keep insisting on inflicting comic-pain on us? Tell Me O Kkhuda why?

Mallika & Celina Honorary Award for Worst Performance (Female)

The nominees are:

• Kangana Ranaut for going beyond her ‘You Beshterd’ signature line and giving us ‘Kwahterr Baawttle Vhodkha’ in Tanu Weds Manu
• Asin for Ready… she’s still looking for her comic timing
• Minissha Lamba for Bheja Fry 2; not her fault entirely as each character in this film was super irritating
• Deepika Padukone for Aarakshan; so much Hindi and the role of a girl next door… this was too much to ask for

And the winner is Nargis Fakhri for Rockstar. Her spectacularly poor performance ensured that no one cared for her character in the film. She has the talent to give competition to Kangana, Katrina and Deepika all together in the poor dialogue delivery department.

Kunderji’s Tees Maar Khan Award for the Worst Film-maker

The nominees are:

• Samir Karnik for Yamla Pagla Deewana because the audience is not Tinku Jiya
• Madhur Bhandarkar for Dil Toh Baccha Hai Ji because even the child hearted did not like the film
• Nikhil Advani for Patiala House and we are still surprised how he gets his films financed
• Sagar Ballary for his insufferable Bheja Fry 2 because you don’t get lucky twice
• Abhinay Deo for Game because film making is not children’s game
• Anees Bazmee for Ready, a film so bad that the audience gave up and laughed along; he also made something called Thank You but no one watched it, so it’s ok
• Pankaj Kapoor for Mausam, the epic bore story
• Anubhav Sinha for ruining the big budget spectacle, Ra.One

And the award goes to Prakash Jha for Aarakshan, a film with a very interesting ensemble cast but very poor writing and performances. Jha is a film maker who once made hard hitting films that made us think; but Aarakshan was a lazy attempt to make big bucks at the box office by using the Raajneeti template.

While these were the big winners, I have chosen some more deserving stars and films that made 2011 a forgettable cinematic year…

Wren & Martin’s Bad Punctuation Award to Gul Panag starrer, Turning 30!!! They thought that each punctuation mark represents a decade! We’d also like to felicitate Shahid Kapoor in this category for abusing exclamation marks, question marks and ellipses on Twitter. He also wins the Bad Spelling Award for misspelling ‘girl gang’ (for those not aware, Mr. Kapoor replaced the second ‘g’ in gang with ‘d’ in one of his tweets).

Mrs. Marino Hair Softener presents Bad Hair Day Award: The award goes to Shah Rukh Khan for his curly hair wig in Ra.One. He also wins the Itch Guard award for touching his (and Arjun Rampal’s) crotch in the film.

Realism in Cinema Award goes to Ragini MMS for showing a Maharashtrian ghost with subtitles on screen.

Khan Ke Aage Jeet Nahi Hai Bravery Award is jointly shared by Hema Malini and Himesh Reshammiya for releasing their films Tell Me O Kkhuda and Damadamm with Shah Rukh Khan’s Ra.One.

Uday Chopra Award for Never Give Up Spirit goes to Mimoh aka Mahakshay Chakraborty for making a comeback with Haunted 3D after the debacle of Jimmy. I am sure he will have a few more come backs and so will Jackky Bhagnani

Brain Tonic Song of the Year Award: we have a tie here also but the award goes to the same film… Damadamm’s ‘no toucheeing, no keesing’ and ‘I love you like mango’

Spielberg & Cameron Award for Best (Worst) Use of Technology in Indian Cinema: This year has been excellent in terms of technology for Hindi films… movies released in 3D and millions were spent on sophisticated special effects; but the most innovative and WTF use of technology award goes to the remote controlled killer helicopter in Bodyguard.

Dunno Y… Na Jaane Kyon Honourary Mention for Most Innovative Film Titles:

• Impatient Vivek
• Love U… Mr. Kalakaar!
• Bbuddhah… Hoga Terra Baap
• Mummy Punjabi

Kaayam Churan & Hindware Bath Fittings honour Dum Maaro Dum for thoughtful lyrics about bowel movement and an equal society… ‘Oonche se ooncha banda, potty pe baithe nanga’ (even the richest guys sit naked on the potty)

Kiye Karaaye Pe Paani Award for undoing all the good work, goes to the team of Ladies vs Ricky Bahl for ruining the memories of the fantastic, Band Baaja Baaraat. Another recipient of this award is Chitrangada Singh for her performance in Desi Boyz, making us forget Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi.

Naam Bade Aur Darshan Chhote Award for the most hyped yet disappointing film of the year: Shah Rukh Khan for Ra.One

Lifestyle Achievement Award, urging the recipient to spare the viewers… Govinda for Naughty @ 40

This was my list of the worst of 2011 in Bollywood and hope we have a better 2012…

– Shrey Khetarpal

PS: This article is the author’s expression of the suffering inflicted by poorly made films and filmmakers on paying audience. Should you disagree, please ignore it as a random rant; if you agree, do share your views and spread the word by clicking any of the share buttons below…