If you are bored of logic, this is the film for you…

Bodyguard; Reliance Entertainment

By now I hope everyone knows what to expect from an action-comedy starring Salman Khan… if you still look for a decent story or even logic in the film then you are really slow and should get yourself checked (seriously, a dog learns faster than you!) Also, if you are incapable of enjoying such a film without using a shred of your brain then I recommend watching it after a terrible work week / day or under the influence of alcohol. Now coming to the point; this post is supposed to be a review of Salman’s latest blockbuster, Bodyguard and I am tempted to copy-paste my review of Ready. However, in order to sustain the small readership of my blog, I will try (not promising) to write something different unlike the Salman movie template that filmmakers are using so successfully these days.

First things first, I enjoyed Bodyguard. I know I just lost 90 points on the film snob scale but yes I am guilty of helping the film earn over a billion rupees in just 4 days. Before booking the tickets I knew that the film will be a senseless collation of action scenes and crude jokes. That clear setting of expectations helped me not only sit through the film but laugh at it. Management schools and our so called spiritual gurus can use his films and apply these learnings to business and life. More about that later and back to the film for now… Since I have talked about the template to make a hit Salman film; let me share the same with Bodyguard in focus. Please note it is an exclusive reveal for the readers of this blog…

• Choose a South Indian hit film to remake with Khanon Mein Khan, Salman Khan. If you use the same writer-director then you don’t have to pay extra royalties; economies of scale you see. Bodyguard is written and directed by Siddique who has made the film in three other languages (Malayalam, Tamil and Telugu).
• Assign a cute name for Salman’s character – Radhe in Wanted, Chulbul Pandey in Dabangg and Lovely Singh in Bodyguard.
• Be very careful to ensure any amount of authenticity or realistic elements should not creep into the film. Keep it as unrealistic and unbelievable as possible. Action sequences that seem impossible and even ridiculous must be incorporated. Think of stuff like a big wooden crate full of tiny thermocol balls falling on Salman and shattering into pieces. Bodyguard manages to do that very well including a nightclub dhishoom-dhishoom scene where he kills many people without the police getting to know anything.
• Be innovative in the ways to showcase Salman’s body… usual wind is passé; think of bulging muscles leading to the shirt tearing itself like Dabangg. In Bodyguard, they use a powerful jet of water that throws his shirt away from his body.
• Never compromise on technology as that’s the future… A killer remote controlled helicopter toy that has razor sharp rotor blades and can cut everything – potted plants, glass doors or the heroine’s delicate neck; Bodyguard nails this part. This is better than Ironman!
• At least one character who would get beaten up by Salman, by the mob and anyone who appears in the film. This character is designed to endure any sort of humiliation and physical abuse like burning his bum with a hot iron. There is one in Bodyguard too, named Tsunami Singh (Rajat Rawail).
• A huge list of baddies whom Salman can beat up and break their bones like twigs. They are supposed to be after his life or the heroine’s life without, please note this is important, without any solid reason.
• Songs that have ridiculous lyrics but are catchy; these can be placed in the film at regular intervals and one need not worry about their connection with the story. Himesh Reshammiya and Pritam have done a good job in Bodyguard and you can’t help but enjoy the title track and the Desi Beat song. However, they are not as iconic as Salman’s Dabangg and Ready numbers.
• Give a killer line to Salman that all the auto-rickshaw wallahs and cabbies can use and paint on their vehicles. Bodyguard does not disappoint on this front and has given us this gem: “Mujh par ek ehsaan karna, ki mujh par koi ehsaan na karna” (please do me a favour by not doing any favour for me).
• The heroine – now this is where you can bring variety and there is no fixed description in the template except the low IQ clause for the character. You can either hire an A-lister like Kareena or a newbie like Sonakshi or even a not so successful actress like Ayesha Takia. This completely depends on the filmmaker’s budget. However, I must admit that Kareena looks good in Bodyguard.

The other things that are not very important are good editing and being politically correct in your writing as you can pass off anything under the garb of humour.

This is a perfect template of making an action-comedy blockbuster but ONLY with Salman Khan in the lead. 80% of the film’s success depends on his sheer presence there. His loyal fans ensure that the weekend collections do not disappoint. Do not try this recipe with Viveik Oberoi or any other actor.

Do watch Bodyguard if you are a Salman fan or are simply tired of logic in your life.

My rating: * * ½ Two and a half on five

– Shrey Khetarpal